Went and saw Indiana Jones 4 last night. It was Kiff groan-worthy.

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

 

The 21st century... ruining your childhood one movie at a time

GOOD

– The wit and charm of the original trilogy is at least somewhat retained.

– Shia LeBeouf is a great actor and a perfectly charming sidekick. Keep an eye on this whippersnapper. He’s the next Tom Hanks.

– The scene in the desert town was great because it’s bizarre to see Indy with his leather clothing and whip running around in a perfectly pastel-coloured 1950s suburb, and then becomes even better when it’s full of creepy dummies. Of course it’s then irredeemably tainted by the fridge bullshit, but whatever.

– The cafe fight scene with the greasers and soshers was hilariously good. It may not be the 1930s anymore, but Indy’s still got it.

– Seeing Marion again was appropriate (as was IJ having a son), though it seems the actress playing her got about 5% the makeup budget Harrison Ford did. Indy looks youthful, even if he does walk like he has the rickets, but Marion’s face was ravaged by time.

– The wedding was okay. I don’t mind seeing Indy getting married now that he’s in his twilight years and has finished sowing his wild oats. Sallah should have been one of the guests, though.

 

NOT SO GOOD

– Not enough globetrotting. The movie takes place entirely in Peru and the USA.

– Marcus Brody’s cheaply constructed statue.

– Cate Blanchett, the most poorly fleshed out villain of the franchise.

– The English traitor, the most poorly fleshed out sidekick of the franchise.

– The retarded quicksand scene, with a stuffy out-of-character monologue by Indy and the fact that SNAKES DON’T WORK LIKE THAT.

– Shia swinging from vines with his loyal army of monkeys (this is the event horizon in a black hole of stupidity; the movie never really recovers).

– The explicit alien stuff. It would have been okay to hint at it, but no, we go the whole hog and see terrible CGI saucers and aliens that look like they escaped from the set of I Am Legend.

– The aforementioned fridge.

– The set design, which frequently overdoes it. Welcome to Peru, where wearing a poncho is required by law!

– Excessive use of CGI. The jungle/cliffside chase looked awful. And what was with the exterior military base scenes in the beginning looking like they were filmed indoors?

– The corny message at the end. KNOWLEDGE IS THE REAL TREASURE, STAY IN SCHOOL KIDS!

On the whole, this was always going to be a bad movie. You can’t have a classic, beloved trilogy of movies from the 80’s and then make another one TWENTY YEARS LATER and expect it to slot in alongside them. It just doesn’t work like that. And while it’s not all bad, it does cross a line somewhere along the way that earns it an overall thumbs down, and applies a taint to the franchise.

George Lucas sure knows how to disappoint people with movie resurrections.

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