You are currently browsing the monthly archive for November 2007.
6.59 pm
Me: are you downloading the futurama movie or what
Chris: not yet
when i can
atm i cant
Me: i just… can’t
/shivers
Chris: its just too hard
BENDERS BIG SCORE
WE LOVE BENDER
BENDER BENDER BENDER
I WANNA FUCK HIM SO HARD
Me: hahahaha
BENDER’S BENDING ADVENTURES IN BENDING LAND
FEATURING BENDER
Chris: BENDERS AMAZING BENDER WEEKEND
Me: WITH SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE BY BENDER’S ROCK BAND
BENDER BENDS BENDY
Chris: BENDERS BENDY WEEKEND
Me: WEEKEND AT BENDER’S
Chris: BENDER THE GREAT
Me: BENDER THE HELL DEEP AND MULTI-FACETED CHARACTER
Chris: bite my shiny metal ass
Mitch: WHO TOTALLY DOES NOT CONSIST OF CORPORATE-IMAGINED “ATTITUDE” AND CATCH PHRASES
AND WHO FUCKING HIJACKED FRY’S SHOW
Chris: i miss fry
Mitch: you can sometimes see him in the background, during crowd scenes in The Bender Show
We voted at around midday at the local movie theatre. Rotto is filled with vacationers from all over Perth, so you can vote in any electorate in the state, resulting in plenty of people clustered around the tables for coastal seats like Stirling or Fremantle – and a bored, lonely woman at the table for the distant electorate of Kalgoorlie. The whole day I’d been becoming vaguely worried about Labor’s chances, with the stacks of West Australians at the general store proclaiming “PM FIRMS AS POLL GOES TO THE WIRE” (what does that mean?) and almost every single voter we saw turning their noses up at the ALP campaigners and instead accepting flyers from the Liberal wieners, whom I noted with irritation had even indoctrinated their seven-year old children into wearing hats and pennants with the coalition logo on it.
So at about eight o’clock, as the sun was slipping below the Dome cafe and I was wondering how things were unfolding on television screens across the nation (we were on a boat, without one), I texted my friend Jake to ask how shit was shaping up. He called back and replied, “Labor obliterated them.” I will forever remember those words.
And what an obliteration! Howard lost his own seat (thank you, Washminster system), which means he’s not even a minister anymore, just a sad and washed-up loser. Labor is now in power at every state and federal level, resulting in the highest ranking Liberal member being the mayor of Brisbane or some shit. The only downside is that my own vote made absolutely no difference, since Stirling was retained by smug white-collar beauracrat Michael Keenan. But all in all, it was a marvellous day for Australia.
Goodbye Howard! You were an arrogant, monarchist, racist, xenophobic, socially regressive asshole with the personality of a damp colonoscopy bag, dwelling among the clouds in your ivory tower on the high-income shores of Sydney Harbour and flogging your determined agenda to drag our society back to the standards of 1955’s White Australia Menzies hellscape. Don’t let the door knock your trembling 68-year old arse flat to the ground on the way out.
John Howard – the man who has been Prime Minister of my nation for more than half my life – has less than 48 hours left in the job. That’s my opinion, the opinion of the polls, and the opinion of most professional political commentators.
It’s not going to be a landslide election. Most people don’t realise how difficult it is, under the Australian system, to beat the incumbent government. But from the looks of things, Labor should juuuuuuuust edge in ahead of the Liberals and form our next government.
Despite all my bluster, I don’t buy into partisan politics. I don’t think whichever party is in government makes any massive change to our way of life, and as an insulated teenager it certainly won’t make any difference to mine. When politically carefree friends ask me why they should vote for Labor rather than the Liberals, my tongue trips over itself somewhat, and I find myself regurgitating ALP advertising rhetoric. At heart, I am that classic Australian who doesn’t really trust any authority figure and thinks Labor is only marginally better than the Liberals. In fact, my most pressing reason for not voting Liberal is that I am simply sick of seeing John Howard’s face after 11 years.
I hope things will be different, of course. Liberal and Labor are different, if not to a great degree, and I hope Rudd’s smiling visage is true to heart, and will result in better healthcare and working rights and acceptance of climate change. Throughout Howard’s tenure, the Australian national image has become one of xenophobia, pollution, dishonesty and aggression. I’d like to see that change. I’d like to see us be a little more open to immigration, and learn when to say no to Washington. I’d like to see us put money into public schools rather than private schools, and provide better healthcare for people. I’d like to see us treat our pristine wilderness better, and harness our natural wind and sunlight energy to become a ecologically-friendly nation, which is the main reason I’ve decided to vote for the Greens rather than the Democrats in the Senate.
A lot has been made about the economy this election. Indeed, some commentators have suggested that it has become the only major issue. I continue to be puzzled by this. Even if the government did run the economy (it doesn’t), we are not an economy. We are a society. There are more important issues than how much you’ll have to pay back on your mortgage in the coming years. Don’t worry, India and China and Japan will be wanting our minerals for a long while to come.
On Saturday I will be on Rottnest, the local holiday island. I’m going to admit that I am an enormous political nerd and sighed somewhat when I found that my first voting election coincides with a holiday away. I’ll still be able to vote, but I won’t be able to follow the election coverage as much as I’d hoped. Ah well. At least if Rudd wins I’ll be in the perfect place to run down the beach at sunset hollering for joy.
Oh, Rudd. In a year’s time, will I consider you worthy to sit atop Curtin’s shoulders? Or will I have discovered the shocking truth that all politicians are as bad as each other?
I really, really hope it’s the former.
I know the bountiful well of political commentary I promised has failed to spring forth, but we all know that nobody cared anyway, and I’ve been busy. So, four days away from crunch time, let’s quickly sum things up!
The election campaigns have been amusingly different. Labor’s is refreshingly positive. Even if they don’t really have plans any more solid than the coalition’s, they’re doing a great job with image and visibility. The Liberals, on the other hand, are running a negative fear campaign of economic scare-mongering and anti-union propaganda, complete with ominous music and black and red colouring. Oh no! Labor has strong ties to organisations founded to protect the rights of the average working man? That’s reprehensible! Bonus points, however, go to the Liberals for managing to convince a sizeable number of voters that the government actually controls the economy (hint: it doesn’t).
Since I live in a marginal seat, my letterbox has been flooded with propaganda equivalent to perhaps one or two Tasmanian old growth forests. Yesterday I received two nearly identical letters from Peter Tinley, the Labor candidate. It’s as though they sent the first one off, regretted it, tinkered with the draft a little and mailed the second one only a few minutes later. My father also received two copies, as did each of the two people who previously lived in our house. That makes eight letters of the same political rubbish for two Australians who’ve already decided to vote for him, and two Kiwis who left the country a year ago. That’s still not quite as bad as Liberal candidate Michael Keenan’s sloganeering, however; we’ve received maybe nine or ten separate glossy pamphlets from his staff. Fucking wasteful and expensive.
An interesting contrast, though, of the two local candidates’ plans on a single issue. Keenan promises more CCTV cameras at local shopping centres, skate parks and beaches to crack down on “hoons and anti-social behaviour.” (Both of which are buzz-words that any sensible person should hate, but never mind.) This adds up to about a hundred and seventy thousand dollars of taxpayer money, only a small fragment of the extensive pork-barrelling which Keenan proudly tallies up in the apparent belief that it will increase the chance I will vote for him. Tinley, on the other hand, promises more security patrol cars and officers.
Gee. An actual human presence vs. grainy security camera footage that might identify thugs long after they have beaten and murdered elderly women. That’s a difficult one.
In any case, nobody cares about local issues anyway, because we’re too concerned with who’s running the flagship that is federal government. And while things are looking very optimistic for Labor, despite the Australian system being unfairly geared towards the incumbent government, I grow increasingly frustrated at the amount of stupidity I see in other voters. There was an 18-year old girl from Stirling interviewed in the Sunday Times who said that she’ll “probably vote for John Howard” because she thinks he’s “done a good job with Iraq and the economy and stuff” even though she “doesn’t know much about politics.” This is why voting should not be compulsory. Besides which, it just irritates me that there is a single person under the age of 25 who could possibly vote for that doddery, senile, rambling old man. He’s pushing 70, people! In another eight years he will, statistically speaking, drop dead of old age! Beyond that, of course, her claims are naive and simply wrong. Howard has not done anything with Iraq (our troops are managed by the Chief of the Defence Force, and we shouldn’t be in Iraq anyway) and nor has he done anything with the economy (it’s the economy, not a fucking policy run by Canberra).
What really gets my goat is people (including Howard himself) who think that our current economic boom is due to the Liberals’ “economic management.” No, it’s because there just happens to be a lot of ore in our soil, and the Asians pay us lots of money for private companies to dig it up. The government isn’t involved. Christ.
On a final note, I will not be voting in my local electorate, but rather on the island of Rottnest because my friend Michael has tempted me there on his private yacht. I’m fairly certain there’s a polling booth there, but if there isn’t I’ll be up for a $300 fine. Civil liberties – another reason voting shouldn’t be compulsory.
Let’s wrap up with a hilarious quote from John Howard in which he proves how out of touch he is, by painting a bleak picture of the nightmarish dystopia that will arise if Labor is elected:
“There will be a return of political correctness. There will be a softening in relation to things like drugs. You will get a less socially conservative country at the very least.”
My God! I must murder my family now to spare them the horror that is to come!
I’ve updated End Times. I will continue to do so at least once a week for the rest of summer, until I start uni again in March. It’ll be just like the glory days of 2005!
I might even be able to make it all the way through September (in story time). That would be nice.
It’s 39° Celcius outside (102 Farenheit) and summer is still two weeks away.
Fuck this city.
Last week I scrambled to finish all the journals and notes and other frivolous shit my units make me do; commentaries on every little reading and every single lecture (I went to exactly 1 of 26 lectures this semester). This week, I’ve finished off my Creative Writing story, and spent last night in an epic struggle with an opinion article for Professional Writing. Me vs. 1800 words about the justification of satirical hoaxes. Our combat dragged us down dark chasms, spitting flames and rending flesh, plunging us into cold lakes deep below the earth and inexplicably teleporting us to snowy mountain peaks, where our epic duel cast avalanches down into the worlds of men and tore apart the very fabric of heaven. Finally I reigned triumphant and feasted on my opponent’s corpse (i.e. drove to university this morning at 10 o’clock and handed the assignment in).
Then I went to work, and now I’m here at 8:30 on a Thursday evening. My final assignment is due at 4:00 PM on Friday afternoon, roughly nineteen and a half hours from now. And then I’m done. Free of university until March. A huge stretch of glorious summer is beckoning to me from the other side of those nineteen hours. It lies in a field of clover, illuminated in warm sunshine, surrounded by dancing butterflies and squirrels.
But this is no ordinary assignment. This is for CIT – Cultures, Identities, and Texts. People ask me what it’s about and I can’t tell them, because despite having been enrolled in it for two years now I still have no idea. I guess it’s philosophy. It does involve a lot of words like “socio-economic,” “post-modernity” and “theoretical perspectives,” with assholes like Voltaire constantly shoving in their unwanted opinions. Everybody hates it. It’s a core unit, meaning that it’s forced on all of us Communications students – creative writers, actors, film students alike – because otherwise nobody would enrol in it and the unit would die. The obvious conclusion to draw from that is that perhaps the unit deserves to die.
Anyway, that won’t solve my problems now. I have 1500 words (minimum) to write about the media or something.
Jesus, I wish it was Saturday.
8:50 pm – I may as well liveblog this. So far, no progress. Driving to the corner deli to buy chocolate.
8:59 pm – DAMMIT IT WAS CLOSED
DOOT! DOOT! DOOT! DOOT!
10:05 pm – I have written an introduction and huge first paragraph adding up to a measly 267 words. Fuck.
11:16 pm – One of my father’s drunken friends has decided to sleep on the couch in the adjacent living room, and is now snoring extremely loudly. GOOD. I AM EXTREMELY PLEASED ABOUT THAT.
11:27 pm – I don’t write very well while listening to my iPod, but with a tractor being hauled through a trench of rusty gearbox parts in the next room, I don’t have much of a choice. Unfortunately Portishead is about the most bland/non-distracting music I have. Word count: 526.
MIDNIGHT – …and I’m on 822 words. More than halfway, but I’ve already worked through most of my talking points.
12:43 am – 1130 words. My sources are rapidly becoming less scholarly, and I think I may be approaching THE ZONE, where I completely stop caring and just vomit out whatever shit I can to pad it up to the word limit. THE ZONE is a wonderful place to be, because my professor is a really generous marker and I’m gonna pass this just as long as I hand it in, really.
1:25 am – I have spent the last half hour trying to find a cholarly article about the relationship of the media to swing voters. WHY IS THERE NOT A SINGLE ONE?
1:35 am – Okay, I’ve wrapped up the whole thing, including conclusion, and I’m on 1391 words. I can pad that out tomorrow. It’s a stinking pile of shit, but every essay I write for CIT is, and I’m really only gunning for 50%. Night y’all (i.e. nobody).
11:47 am – Okay. Had a refreshing sleep and now I’m feeling pretty good about this. Reading over it, I think my command of the English language (vocabulary, grammar etc.) will be impressive enough to disguise my complete lack of any relevant discussion. Works like a charm. Now I just need tos tick a few more article references in…
12:47 pm – 1626 words and the minimum of five sources cited. It’s a terrible, rambling, idiotic, unprofessional pile of drivel, but that’s about the same standard of everyone else’s assignment. I’m logging onto Web CT and handing this bitch in.
12:50 pm – FINISHED! FUCK YES MOTHERFUCKER!
I’m not really feeling as jubilant as I should, because I know it’s a shitty essay and have a terrible nagging doubt that I might fail the unit – even though I submitted an equally shitty essay last semester and still got more than 60% for the unit, as I am blessed with an amazingly generous marker for a professor. Unfrtunately he doesn’t teach next year… instead I may well have the head of the CIT department taking my classes, a notoriously draconian woman who failed two thirds of her class this semester.
But until then, it’s summertime.
And, tomorrow, this happens:
Imagine this:
There’s a supermodel beckoning to you. She’s beautiful; awe-inspiring; angelic. She’s lying in your bed naked, waiting for you to take her. She can be anyone you want. Megan Gale, Jennifer Hawkins, or every Miss Universe in history rolled into one. She’s the ultimate teenage fantasy.
So you dive towards her, abandoning caution in favour of lust, and… TREACHERY! She is no sex goddess! She is an evil demon of blinding light and screeching flames, burning your flesh and scalding your face!
This is what life is like for moths.