I’ve now been here two weeks. It’s slightly easier than it was at first, but teaching is still neither easy nor enjoyable.

I went to a chabad last night with the recently arrived American teacher, who is Jewish. I’m not Jewish and I had no idea what a chabad was. Apparently it’s an international outreach thing for jews in foreign lands. He assured me I would be welcome, and the impression I got from him was that it was a dinner in a community hall with maybe fifty or sixty people. It was actually a dinner in a small suburban home with about six middle-aged American businessmen/women, and at first it felt like we were intruding upon a private dinner party. They were really friendly and welcoming and it was an interesting experience. Never in a million years did I imagine I would sit down to a Jewish religious dinner in South Korea.

One of the men there taught English at a university, and winced when we told him we worked at a Wonderland. He’s the only person I’ve met thus far who has heard of the chain’s terrible reputation. He also said our working hours were shocking, which I’d actually figured out on my own! But it was nice to have someone agree. It’s endlessly frustrating to work with a bunch of people who think it’s the norm to work from 9 to 6.30. Every day. Oh! And we only get paid for half those hours. And it’s a very meagre salary. For stressful, exhausting work.

In fact, it’s not so much the working hours that bother me now – it’s the job itself. I’m not a good teacher. I’m a crabby, grouchy, irritable teacher who regularly snaps at his students and doesn’t want to be there any more than they do. I had plenty of teachers like that in school, and always held the opinion that if they didn’t enjoy their jobs they should quit. Anyone can be a teacher. But it takes a specal kind of person to be a good teacher, or even an adequate teacher. And teaching is not like any other job – it’s important. Teachers shape children more than anyone else they come into contact with except their parents.

This feels like a pretty rambling and disjointed entry, but that’s how my thought process is at the moment. I’m wavering between wanting to stick this out as long as I can to see if it gets any better, and wanting to pack my bags immediately. Sometimes I switch between the two in a matter of hours.

Wonderland has a holiday period between the 24th of July and the 2nd of August. If I want to leave surreptitiously, that would be a good time for it. But I’m still torn on whether I should do that or whether I should give notice. It’s not taking their money that makes me feel guilty – it’s abandoning my coworkers to cover my absence until a new foreign teacher can be found. It’s walking out on them in the dead of night without a word, when they’ve all been really friendly and welcoming. But a) I want that damn airfare money and b) I don’t want to endure the 20 days of notice I need to give them in my contract.

I should be getting an alien registration card next week, and a bank account. I almost hope they refuse to reimburse my airfare. That would at least give me some moral ground to stand on when I pack my bags and leave at 3.00 am.

Second week of teaching. Doesn’t get any easier. If anything I’m irritated by the kids even more. I have one kindy class full of absolute little shitheads. The girls are sweet as sugar, trying their hardest and hanging off my words, but the boys are all in an equal stakes running to become the Antichrist. I’ve become crabby and grouchy and am actively snapping at them, and sometimes swearing. DO YOUR WORK and DON’T CLIMB UP THE WALL and SIT DOWN and GET OUT FROM UNDER THE TABLE and NOW YOU’VE SPILT YOUR FUCKING MILK EVERYWHERE LOOK AT THIS MESS. I assumed I was good with kids, but there is a Grand Canyon of difference between playing with my little sister, and trying to maintain order in a classroom full of 10 kids who don’t speak the same language as me and spend 12 hours a day studying so they’re fidgety as fuck.

That’s the thing about Korea – the kids get pushedhard by their parents. I understand the reasoning behind it. Korea has very few natural resources, so it needs a well-educated workforce to succeed. That’s how Japan, Taiwan and to a lesser extent Singapore clawed their way up the HDI rankings. But seeing this concept put into practice is just awful. I feel so sorry for these kids. When I was in kindergarden I was playing with blocks and drawing pictures. These guys are sitting down, filling out workbooks and doing maths and learning Chinese. They’re six.

The other problem is that the emphasis on booklearning leaves no room to teach them life skills. A lot of them are rude and inconsiderate bullies because they don’t know any better. (And that’s another teacher’s observation, not mine.)

I’m not sure what the obsession with learning English is. Korea has very strong links with America, but I’d imagine that financially they’re tied more to China and Japan.

I had my medical yesterday, along with the new American teacher who arrived a week after me. The school made us pay for it ourselves. He was a lot more argumentative about that than me – I tend to be a doormat with regards to my employers – but they still refused to pay it. It cost eighty bucks. And talk about intensive: blood tests, urine tests, eyesight, hearing, cardiology, radiograms, the works. I get why they want to check fo STDs and drugs, but hearing and eyesight? Seriously?

They still haven’t paid my airfare back either. I thought they were just waiting for my bank account to be set up, but they paid me a $200 advance on my next paycheck (since I’m broke), in cash. Every time I bring it up with my supervisor she’s suddenly not so fluent in English. I don’t think they’re trying to gyp me, I think she just has no fucking clue what she’s doing, having moved into her job only a few weeks ago. I suspect that’s a contributing factor to the utterly hopeless disorganisation of this place.

Chris said that when I return to Australia he might be able to get me some work up at Mornington – I even sent my resume to his boss. But that’s not looking too likely now, which really bums me out. I don’t want to return to Perth and Coles and the same old problems I was facing there. But I don’t want to stay here either.

Maybe I’ll face the same problems wherever I go.

Thank God it is finally the fucking weekend.

I have now been in Korea for a full week. An incredibly short period of time in some ways, agonisingly long period of time in others. I’m sure that for people back home it simply flew by; for me, it has been as though my consciousness was trapped in an alternate pocket dimension for 10,000 years like that Stephen King story I can’t remember.

Today I got to go exploring on my own, something I’ve been looking forward to since I arrived. The director was taking all the foreign teachers to Costco in the morning, which I managed to slip out of by saying that I have pretty much everything I need right now (in actual fact it’s because I don’t want to bulk-buy two months’ worth of supplies with them, because in less than two months time my ass will be on a plane back home).

So at around 10.00 am I left the apartment and took my first ride on the Seoul subway system. Very similar to Japan’s, though slightly harder to figure out – Koreans like to do the same thing Australians to do, and use signage displaying the track’s terminal station, rather than the next one down the line. This works fine in Perth, which has four rail lines radiating out in straight lines across the flat suburban plain, but when you have eight different rail lines tangling up with each other in a complex labyrinth of underground tunnels, it’s sort of disorienting. But the signs were in both Korean and English, which is really quite generous of them, so I suppose I can’t complain.

I disembarked at Dongnimmun station, which is just a stone’s throw from Inwangsan, an ancient shamanist temple perched on a mountainside. But I got completely lost and wandered through a complex of apartment buildings, before eventually stumbling across the Seoul Fortress Wall – presumably a relic of the Middle Ages – and followed it around to the temple complex. It was sort of cool, but temples never really do much for me. The mountain itself was beautiful, though, and I hiked up a lot of leafy trails to some granite slabs that afforded a great view of the smoggy, repetitive urban monster that is Seoul. I took a different route back down and ended up on a trail that petered out completely, so I had to force my way through some bushes and jump some fences when I got back down to civilisation. All good.

From Ingwansan I was planning to walk to Gyeonghuigung, a palace that supposedly lets you wander around on your own with no fee, but I got completely lost and gave up, so instead I took the subway down towards the Han River. On the way there I found a nice little park where two young guys were playing catch under the gaze of a huge statue of Confucius, which was pretty cool. After catching my breath on a bench for a while I again ended up wandering Seoul’s largely identical inner-city streets, which are a mix of South-East Asian slums and bland Soviet apartment blocks, trying to figure out where the fuck the river was. (Note: invest in a compass, invaluable for urban exploration in foreign lands.) After sheltering in a phone booth for about half an hour during a heavy downpour, I managed to find the river and ended up walking right over it on a large bridge.

There were plenty of dead fish floating by underneath. That’s fine – any river in a huge city will inevitably be polluted, and I doubt the Thames or the Hudson are particularly sparkling either. What threw me a little was when a speedboat powered by, with a bunch of kids biscuiting behind it. Gross. The Swan River is seedy enough, with its salt and murk and disgusting smell, but to go biscuiting or skiing in the Han? Probably an error in judgement.

Water-related sidenote: I’ve heard that Koreans can be very nationalistic and will be displeased at any negative comments about Korea, and so far this has manifested itself in my Korean supervisor’s attitude towards the drinking water. When I first got here I asked if you could drink tap water (I knew you couldn’t, just wanted to doublecheck) and Amanda said no. My supervisor then spouted something about a Korean government study saying that it was fine. And then last night at dinner the new American teacher asked if it was okay to drink the water, and she simply said “Yes.” There was a pause, and then Amanda said “No… no, you can’t.” Quite amusing.

Anyway, I made it onto an island on the south side of the Han River, and walked through several kilometres of parkland full of kids playing. I get enough of kids during my working week, so I murdered all those I came across. When I reached the next bridge I crossed back over to the north side of the river, which featured a small patch of parkland my LP intriguingly described as “Foreigner’s Cemetery.” Most of the graves were missionaries from the 19th century, with a handful of American soldiers who had married Koreans and stayed in Seoul after the war. It was nice, but nothing to write home about.

And after that I came home, because I’d been walking for about seven hours straight and my feet were killing me. And as I walked back down the street to my school building and apartment, a sense of dread descended onto me. I passed the door to the school on the way up to my apartment, and I hated it. I hated the doorknob, I hated the frame, I hated the stupid Wonderland logo and I hated the disgusting mustard colour. Let’s take a moment to stop and picture this: a fully-grown and mentally sound man, staring in disgust and contempt at a door.

I haven’t hated inanimate objects since my days working in a government office for uni prac, when I came to loathe the shirts, the chairs, the keyboards, and even the very walls. Every molecule of every object in that vile place was, in my eyes, a dark and evil stain upon the Earth. And now, after a single week, I feel that way about Wonderland.

It strikes me as unhealthy. I need to get out of this place before I lose my mind and hurl myself out the window into the filthy streets below. Even when I was hiking around Ingwansan, I wasn’t quite enjoying myself, because I knew that in the back of my mind I eventually had to return to this wretched place.

Judging from my first impressions, Korea isn’t a fantastic country. It’s certainly no Japan. But compared to Perth it’s the most stimulating, fascinating location in the world. I could enjoy myself quite a bit here – if only I had a better job. If only I had a job that didn’t claw away at the integrity of my sanity, reducing me to a haggard wreck suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder when I climb the stairs to my apartment every night.

It would be easy to say that I just didn’t pick my hagwon carefully (though I didn’t), that I could have found a job with much less stress and much easier working hours. But I’m starting to realise that I’m probably not good with kids – at least not as a teacher. I don’t have the patience for it. Granted, there are a few classes I actually enjoy teaching, where the kids are moderately well behaved and almost fluent in English. But I doubt there’s a job anywhere on the peninsula that would be like that all the time, and it would be impossible to find anyway. In any case, it’s too late – my working visa is directly tied to Wonderland and I can’t change that.

On Monday, the new American teacher and I are going to the hospital to get medical checks. After that we get ou alien registration cards – but to do so we have to submit our passports to the immigration office. The thought of abandoning my passport in a foreign land when I’m already planning my departure doesn’t thrill me. But it’s necessary to obtain an alien registration card, which is in turn necessary to open a bank account, which I need to get my airfare reimbursed and my first paycheck. I think it only takes a few days to be processed, and I plan to stick around for a week or two anyway. If they try to screw me over and not give it back (which I doubt they will – when I asked for my diploma back the director ran to her office to retrieve it) then I will at least have a legit excuse for doing a midnight run… which will be hard without a passport. It’s times like these I wish I’d applied for Irish citizenship earlier, so I could already have two passports.

Guess that’s about all I got to say. After an entire day of walking around Seoul I’m exhausted and have a splitting headache.

I woke up this morning around 6.30 AM to the sound of Korean thunder. Comparing Korean thunder to Australian thunder is like comparing a thrash metal band in a stadium to a quiet acoustic guitar in a seaside restaurant. I’ve never heard anything like it – there was this whole crackling percussion to it. I briefly thought it might actually be North Korean artillery shells raining down on us, which would have been nice, because it would have given me a legit excuse to leave.

Today was a field trip day. My fourth day of teaching, and I was treated to the thoroughly enjoyable task of taking thirty or forty kindergardners outside the contained environment of the school (which is chaotic anyway). Our destination was a waterpark located in a rural area well outside the city, a one and a half hour drive away. I wish to God the director had managed to find a closer venue. If there is a hell, I imagine it to be something like this:

You are in the back of a minibus. It is raining heavily and the windows are fogging up, so you can’t see outside – there is nothing but the interior of the minibus, now and forever. There are two other adults in the bus, a driver and a Korean teacher, neither of whom speak much English, and both of them are separated from you in the front seats. You are trapped in the back with the children – the screaming, yammering, frustrating children who are babbling endlessly in Korean, a language you are coming very close to hating. There is no escape. This is purgatory. You are in HELL BUS.

Okay, so I was only stuck in there with them for a total of three hours, but it was still pretty awful. And this is what worries me: I may not be good with kids. This week is sort of an evaluation period, in which I may or may not warm up to them, get into my groove and become an adequate kindergarden teacher. My outlook swings between finding them exasperating but adorable, and finding them painfully frustrating. This does not bode well. I guess if it turns out I suck with kids it will be the final nail in the coffin of this place.

The waterpark itself was okay… it gave me a chance to just zone out and watch the kids have fun for a while, instead of actively trying to prevent them from having fun, which is my usual job. We still had elementary classes in the afternoon. I taught one which was astonishingly good at English, and another which was not so good, and also much older – about 12 or 13. That’s the worst kind of class, because I relate to them too much. They have that universal weary teenage ennui, slumped on their desks, wasting their childhood. I remember all too well what it’s like to be stuck in a classroom doing tedious, repetitive exercises out of a textbook.

After work I went for a more extensive walk than I’ve yet been able to take. My neighbourhood is cooler than Perth, but there’s still not a whole lot to see. On the weekend I plan to try and figure out the subway system and head down a few stops to check out some places in the ol’ Lonely Planet. So that should be a good touristy thing to do. Because the way things are going, I’m probably not going to be here more than a few weeks…

Some choice quotes made by my fellow Western teachers today:

“Yeah, I used to work at McDonalds… once you’ve worked there you can pretty much handle anything.”

“You just gotta learn to roll with the punches in this place, because you’re gonna get bashed.”

(on the topic of a new teacher arriving on Friday) “Yeah, put him on the schedule for Friday. When I got here I arrived at 6 am and I was working at 11.”

“I didn’t get much sleep last night, I was up doing report cards until 4 AM.”

EVERYBODY SMILES IN WONDERLAND!

I just finished my second day of teaching. This is a fucking nightmare.

I was supposed to get a week of training – two days at the very least. Instead I was given two hours, simply observing Kevin’s class. After that I was tossed in with a bunch of ramunctious kindergardners and did my best to take them through their exercises and stop them from running around and climbing on the table and such.

The kids are okay. They’re really cute and some of them speak English better than my sister of the same age. When I run out of syllabus materials it’s hard to figure out what to do and I generally resort to letting them draw on the whiteboard or playing hangman, which I doubt I’m supposed to do (and there’s a camera in every classroom, with a monitor behind the secretaries’ desk). So the work itself isn’t too bad.

But there is waaaaaaay too much of it. Yesterday I started at 9.00 and wasn’t walking upstairs to my apartment until 7.30. And I had a handful of textbooks under my hand, to do the next day’s lesson planning with. I had an atrocious headache and felt like shit.

Today I didn’t have late classes so I knocked off “early” at 5.30. Coming from university and casual employment, a 9 to 5 schedule would have been hard enough to adapt to, but a 9 to 7 working day is just fucking insane. Technically I get breaks, but I’m expected to do lesson planning in them. And the whole lesson planning/syllabus/curriculum thing is really, really tedious. And that’s when it’s fresh and new – I can’t imagine what it will be like down the track.

It’s not that I wish I hadn’t come to Korea. It’s that I wish I’d planned it a little more carefully. I was so desperate to escape Perth that I only heard what I wanted to hear, and figured that “9-10″ to “5-7″ wouldn’t be so bad. I was a stupid idiot.

There is not a snowball’s chance in hell of me sticking out this contract. The thought of even sticking it out for the rest of the month is bad enough. At this stage I’m planning to wait until I get my first paycheck, or my flight reimbursed – whichever happens first, because I just need to break even – then bailing.

And even that will suck. I can either go to London, hang out with Georgie and try to find work, then traipse around Europe with Mike for a bit before going home stone broke – which subsequently destroys any chance of me and Chris backpacking around the world together, which is my #1 life goal at the moment. Or I can go directly home, which means I wouldn’t lose too much money at all (worst case scenario, I leave before either getting paid or getting my airfare back, in which case the entire sorry venture leaves me $1500 out of pocket). Then I continue working at Coles, or find some other crummy job, and maybe go with Chris to Japan early next year? Plus I have to deal with the shame of coming home. There’s no point sticking it out in a job I hate, but at the very least I’ll feel kinda stupid about amping myself up for Korea so much and then leaving so early.

I just want money so I can travel. Travelling is amazing because you have your freedom. It doesn’t matter so much if you get homesick or don’t like a place, because you’re your own man and you can do whatever you please. You’re not accountable to anyone. I didn’t realise until I came here just how much I valued that.

I’ve been in Korea for about 12 hours now. It’s disorienting and intimidating. I loved the hell out of Japan and figured Korea wouldn’t be too different. But Korea is not the same as Japan, and being alone is not the same as being with Chris, Jamie, Ellen, Steve, Rob and Roy.

I arrived at around 7 am, after fifteen hours in transit with an wildly swinging outlook on the whole venture. Sometimes it felt like an exciting adventure; sometimes like a sick horrible mistake.

I emerged from customs at Incheon to find a guy holding a piece of paper with my name on it, and he ushered me outside and into a minivan. He didn’t speak much English, so I mostly watched the scenery go by. Something I realised very quickly was that Korea is not Japan. Japan is gritty and grey and industrial, but there’s an underlying cleanliness to it that Korea lacks.

Upon arrival at the school I met my Korean supervisor, Jennifer, and one of my fellow Western teachers, a Canadian called Mandy. There’s another Australian here named Kevin whom I haven’t met yet, but that’s it for foreign English teachers. Apprently we’re getting another new one at the end of this week; with any luck they’ll be as clueless as me. Anyway, they left me to settle into my apartment, which is on the top floor of the school. It’s very… well, I don’t want to say crap, but… crap. The size doesn’t bother me (it’s just a kitchen, bedroom and bathroom, but I’m only one man). It’s just kind of old and dirty. There are pipes all over it because it serves as some kind of plumbing hub for the building. On the bright side it has wifi and airconditioning. Yeah, Seoul in June is fucking hot. I was warned about that but figued it was just Canadians and Americans who didn’t know the meaning of the word ‘heat.’ Although it’s not so much the heat but the humidity.

Anyway, I slept for about four hours because I got none on the plane (some jackass was snoring behind me), woke up feeling disoriented and confused, and went to go take Mandy up on her offer of showing me around town a bit. She took me for a walk around the neighbourhood and bought me lunch. I did some grocery shopping (grapes! peanut butter! bread!) then we came home again. Apparently we’re going out again tonight at about 8 for welcoming drinks… shame I can’t actually drink since I’m still on antibiotics.

And tomorrow I start teaching. Two new Korean teachers are also starting this week, and apparently Jennifer is fairly new at being a supervisor, and we’re still short one teacher. So it will be somewhat chaotic. This is either a good thing or a bad thing: my incompetence at teaching will fade into the noise, but at the same time I doubt I’ll be getting much help.

So yeah. This is really, really hard. Much harder than I thought it would be, and I haven’t even started teaching yet. The worst thing is that I’m already feeling homesick. It’s not so much the foreignness, but the fact that I’ve jumped into this completely alone. All my friends and family, everyone who loves me, is on another continent. And try as I might I can’t block out the thought that according to plan, I won’t see them for a year.

Chris said he felt the same way for the first week or so when he went up to Mornington. Then it passed. I hope it does for me too. I’m nowhere near as tough as Chris, yet I’m doing something exponentially more difficult than he is – a harder job, a foreign country and a longer period of time.

I hope it will pass. Because if I turn tail and run back home… then what am I gonna do?

Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy (1985) 337 p.

A heavy and difficult book, and not an easy one to review while I’m hepped up on antibiotics, but let’s give it a shot.

Blood Meridian is considered Cormac McCarthy’s masterpiece, a dark and violent novel set along the US-Mexican border circa 1850. The novel follows a protagonist known simply as “the kid,” who falls in with the Glanton gang, a historical band of bloodthirsty scalphunters. Led by the wild and savage John Joel Glanton, the real antagonist is Judge Holden – a pale, hairless, disturbing man serving as Glanton’s advisor and second-in-command. He fancies himself a philosopher, an educated man, and yet he seems to thrive on violence and depravity, and is implied to be a pedophile – children often go missing when he is around.

I’ve read one other McCarthy novel, The Road, but this one struck me as a lot more similar to Moby-Dick. They are both deep, thematic novels focusing on the darkness of human nature and the weight of the world, with the characters very clearly being drawn towards an inexorable doom. After the kid joins the gang the narrative shifts away from him, largely focusing on Glanton and the Judge, which reminded me of how Ishmael fades from view once Ahab and Starbuck come into focus in Moby-Dick. And The Road, for all its bleakness, had an optimistic and uplifting ending. Blood Meridian, on the other hand, sinks into a black hole of utter and infinite despair.

It’s unwise to try to judge an author after reading only two of their books, but my preliminary impression is that McCarthy is a one-trick pony. Now, it’s a very impressive trick to be sure: lyrically beautiful prose describing a landscape soaked in brutal violence. I suppose that’s the equivalent of a stallion doing a backflip on a trapeze. But it’s a single trick nonetheless. If you had to pick this or The Road, I’d probably say Blood Meridian – while The Road was one long sad trudge through a landscape of ashes, Blood Meridian at least takes place in a living, breathing world, and thus presents a lot more diversity.

It’s a good book I guess. I generally split books with literary merit into two groups: those that are fun to read (Cloud Atlas, Never Let Me Go, The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay) and those that are tedious and boring (A Passage To India, The Sheltering Sky). Blood Meridian hovers somewhere in between those two groups, just like Moby-Dick: it’s not fun to read, not particularly enjoyable, but you come out of glad that you did so. Whatever. I’m going to sleep.

Matt Harding is one of my personal heroes. He’s the guy who earned his 15 minutes of fame by dancing badly around the world, becoming a fairly popular YouTube sensation (first video, second video, third video).

A YouTube celebrity might be a weird person to idolise, but I find him really inspiring. He was a backpacker before he ever became an Internet hit, and he writes what is easily the wittiest and most insightful travel blog I’ve ever read (my favourite entry, in which he conquers Kilimanjaro). A lot of travel writers like to think they’re Cormac McCarthy and babble on as poetically as possible about the landscape, with a few observations on the human condition thrown in for good measure. Everytime they hop on a plane they have a fucking epiphany. Matt, on the other hand, has an accessible writing style that’s full of rants and wisecracks, making it all the more surprising when he throws in his own observations on human nature – and a lot more profound. He makes travelling the world seem like fun. Reading his blog was a significant factor in my own desire to hit the road.

And he’s written a book, which is apparently not selling well, but which you can buy! If I wasn’t about to fly to another country in two days I’d definitely buy it myself. But even if you don’t, you should at least check out the hundreds of thousands of words he has typed detailing his travels to over 65 countries on all seven continents.

Choice picks:
Calcutta, India – Touching The Untouchables
Mahe, Seychelles – Chasing The World’s Biggest Fish
Singapore – The Policeman Inside
Samos, Greece – Road To Ephesus
New York – The Blackout

MALAYSIA AIRLINES FLIGHT 124
DEPART PERTH INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT (PER) 4.25 PM SATURDAY JUNE 27
ARRIVE KUALA LUMPUR INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT (KUL) 10.05 PM SATURDAY JUNE 27

MALAYSIA AIRLINES FLIGHT 9072
DEPART KUALA LUMPUR INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT (KUL) 11.45 PM SATURDAY JUNE 27
ARRIVE INCHEON INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT (ICN) 7.25 AM SUNDAY JUNE 28

My visa has cleared, my passport is in the post on its way back from Canberra, and I booked my tickets this morning. I’m flying to South Korea on Saturday. 72 hours from now I’ll be hunting for a universal electrical outlet adaptor (which I cannot find ANYWHERE in Perth) at the airport in KL. 82 hours from now I’ll be meeting my employers and fellow teachers in Eupyeong-gu. 107 hours from now I’ll be facing down a classroom full of Korean tykes as part of my vaguely defined “training… day.” No, not plural – day.

It’s not quite as exciting/daunting as it might be, partly because it’s still so incomprehensible, and partly because I’m pre-occupied with a sudden medical situation that reared its monstrous head a few days ago. I’m not going to go into details, but suffice to say that I spent a very stressful 24 hours googling symptoms and self-diagnosing, and convinced myself of what I had – a condition that would dramatically affect my ability to live a normal life. I had a pretty sleepless Monday night and woke up at 8.00 am (my equivalent of 4.00 am), spent five hours pacing around the house before my doctor’s appointment, and another hour sitting in a waiting room plastered with swine flu alerts, marinating in my own awful anxiety.

But it turns out it’s probably not what I thought it was! What it is is still pretty unpleasant, and definitely not something I want to be suffering from while starting a new job in a foreign country, but it’s not permanent and compared to what I thought I’d contracted it’s like receiving the Miles Franklin Award. Well, my doctor is 99% sure it’s not what I thought it was. He’s put me on antibiotics and my blood test results come back on Friday. Fun fun fun! This couldn’t have happened at a more convenient and opportune time!

Anyway, enough about my hypochondria. I had a family dinner tonight to say goodbye to some of my relatives. There’s a popular conception amongst backpackers that they are hip, cool adventurers following in the footsteps of Magellan and da Gama, laughing off the naive, panicky considerations of the typical American slobs back home who think the whole world is one big warzone. That always struck me as arrogant. I didn’t think anyone actually believed that it was dangerous to travel to Thailand or that you’d get kidnapped if you went to South Africa; these people were just fabricated in backpackers’ minds so they could believe they really were doing something dangerous and exotic and pretend they were James Bond.

But my elderly aunts and grandparents proved me wrong! Here are some of the more amusing quotes:

“Be careful what you write in emails and stuff – you don’t want to get thrown in jail.”

“Don’t go out too much… they can tell you’re not one of them.”

“I don’t think you should be going, what with all this North Korea stuff.”

And the prize quote, a hilarious example of bald-faced, unwittingly offensive xenophobia:

“Do you feel comfortable around Asians?”